Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
