he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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