Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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