alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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