Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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