I faked an abortion last night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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