4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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