I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
