I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have fence marks all over my body
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
