I skipped work to stalk him.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
