college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
