Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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