I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My life is pants optional.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
