also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
