I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
