Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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