Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
