How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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