Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
