...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
