im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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