Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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