I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
