I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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