u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
