My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
