tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Pooping to opera.
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