i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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