im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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