sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And then he peed in my hair
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