just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
