theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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