actually, I'm a sock model
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
