i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
