two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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