Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
