I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
