He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
