Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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