I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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