There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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