do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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