Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
