sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
