The maid of honor just puked.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
