Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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