Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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