Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
