using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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