We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
