i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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