Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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